National Infertility Awareness Week #flipthescript

As you might have guessed by all the infertility/child-free themed posts leading up to this one, April is dedicated to infertility awareness and this week in particular - April 23rd thru April 28th - is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association chooses a theme each year and for 2018, they settled on Flip the Script. I've heard the phrase before but I never really understood what it meant. I just thought it was another trendy business buzzword, like "disrupters" or "next level." Since I can't write about something I'm unfamiliar with, I decided to Google the definition. This is what I found-

"flip the script - reverse the usual or existing position in a situation, do something unexpected or revolutionary"

I wouldn't consider myself average but I am by no means revolutionary. I follow the rules most of the time and only speak up when I feel it is a good time to do so. What can I do to spread infertility awareness that is unexpected and reactionary? Still at a loss for how I can contribute to NIAW, I looked to RESOLVE's website for more guidance. They describe the theme below -

Anyone can be challenged to have a family. No matter what race, religion, sexuality or economic status you are, infertility doesn’t discriminate.
Because you’ll never know how badly you want something until you are told that it may not be possible.Together, we can change how others view infertility. It begins with being part of a national movement, National Infertility Awareness Week®. This week unites millions of Americans who want to remove the stigmas and barriers that stand in the way of building families.

Well, that I can do! I have been championing to normalize infertility, endometriosis and their repercussions since I first started this blog. Frankly, I don't think you need to "flip the script" in order to do so. One in every eight couples suffer with infertility. That is a lot of couples! So is it that weird to talk about it? The only way to change how others view infertility is to discuss the topic in regular conversation.  Like I mentioned earlier, I am no trouble making rabble-rouser but if someone approaches me with the topic of my family, I will openly speak about my infertility and decision to only have dogs. I understand that the conversation may be awkward and difficult at first but the more you open up, the easier it becomes. I've also noticed that the more I've talked about it, the more other people joined in. I was once getting a drink at a local cafe. There were young girls running around and laughing. The woman behind the counter told me she wished she had daughters. I replied that, yes, those girls were certainly cute ... but also a little rowdy. She asked if I had any children and I told her that I was unable to conceive so I will not be adding any children to my family. She then opened up her miscarriage. And just like that, we were two women sharing our experiences in normal conversation. I am aware that not all of my conversations go that smoothly. At the last company holiday party, a coworker told me that I would not be able to have a "real Christmas" due to my lack of children. So, you win some and you lose some but I think we are all allowed to talk about our families regardless of their size or how they came to be. If you fostered or adopted your children, please tell me about it because you are a saint and I'd love to hear about your journey. If you're struggling to conceive, let me know and we can weep together. And if you've chosen to live without children, then cheers to you and lets hang out! 

My child-free life.

Not too long ago, a close friend told me that the reason why I'm always talking about infertility and about living child-free is because I am incredibly insecure about that decision and I keep harping on it in order to convince myself that it wasn't a mistake. Sure, there could be some truth to her statement but I prefer to believe that it is my duty to share my experiences in order to reverse the judgement placed on women like myself.

As crazy as it sounds, being both infertile and child-free is a weird situation to find oneself in. I don't quite fit in with other women who struggle to conceive because they devote a majority of their lives to becoming mothers, either through treatment, fostering, adoption, surrogacy or any other means possible. And, I also don't quite fit in with most child-free women because they chose that path for their lives. They decided ... as for me, my body made that decision for me. I am unable to bear children, however, I never took scientific measures to try. That makes me an oddity. I chose not to "try" because, in my opinion, the realm of infertility services is just a huge marketing scheme that preys on women's hopes and fears with little results. You'd be amazed to find out the statistics of outcomes from IVF, and adoption is a very very difficult process. Aside from not wanting to be mislead by not-so-honest marketing, I think it is rather empowering to be able  to choose not to pursue infertility treatment and live a child-free life. I think that decision identifies well with the "independent woman" characteristic I try to embody.

I read somewhere that "there is a massive negative premise that suggests that women who do not reproduce are selfish, do not like children or are not real women. Females who do not procreate are too often misrepresented by negative terms: spinster, wicked stepmother, crazy cat lady." (I wrote down that quote on a Post-It note but I forgot to document the article it came from. I apologize for the plagiarism.)  I must say that females who are not mothers ARE NOT SELFISH!!! We need to debunk the stereotype that child-free women are selfish right now. The only fact found in that stereotype is that I deprived my mother of grandchildren. But I can also argue that by being an only child, my mother deprived me of siblings. I would never say that about my mom so there is no reason for the world to place that judgement upon me.

Speaking of my mom, here's a picture of us. 

Other reasons why I do not believe that my decision is selfish -
1. I happily pay all taxes related to education for future generations and support teachers and other educational staff. My mother was an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher for several years and I truly believe in their work.
2. I offer baby-sitting services to all of my friends who have children. I am aware that being able to go on dates with my husband is a leisure that a lot of my friends don't have and I am happy to help.
3. If and when the Apocalypse comes, I will gladly give up my seat in the bunker to a mother or child because I am fully aware that their functioning reproductive system is more useful than my broken one.

Two more statements to refute - women who do not reproduce do not like children. I cannot speak for all women, but for me that is not the case. I dote on all of my friends' children; when shopping for Christmas gifts, I am sure to buy theirs first. Just because I do not want a child of my own to have around 100% of the time does not mean I do not like children at all.  And lastly... women who do not reproduce are barren curmudgeons who live lonely lives. Again, I cannot speak for everyone, but as for me, I live a content  and satisfying life. I am married with dogs and friends and hobbies - including yoga, sewing guild and book club- that keep me busy and happy. Many will argue that my life isn't very "rewarding" or "loving" without children, but I find owning a small business to be very rewarding and the love I receive from my family and friends is plenty enough for me.

My amazing family - Mike, mom, Sadie, Athena and Wes <3

Like all stereotypes and prejudices, I wish for this one to end. The decision a woman makes to have or not have children is a personal one that she has thought about at length. If she decided not to procreate, that is a decision everyone else will have to respect and there is no reason to judge her or convince her otherwise.

#saythefword

No, no, no you guys... not that f word. LOL Earlier this year, I came across this hashtag #SaytheFword. Then after some research, I came across this article (https://hellogiggles.com/lifestyle/health-fitness/company-encouraging-women-to-say-f-word-fertility/) and this website (https://saythefword.com/).  The mission of the campaign is encourage women to talk about their bodies and reproductive health. According to the data presented by website above, studies show that an overwhelming number of women do not talk about their fertility. Plenty of women think about it and have experiences relating to it but not very many talk about it. Not even to their doctors. Not even to their partners and close family members.

WHAT??!!?!  o_O  That is preposterous.

Why have we, as a society, made the subject so embarrassing and taboo?  It shouldn't be and that is why I have chosen to use my blog to promote this movement. I don't often use my blog as a social platform so please bear with me. (We'll get back to fun travel posts, craft shows and DIY projects very soon.) If you have a minute, please visit https://saythefword.com/ and take the pledge. It'll ask you a few simple questions and best of all, after completing the survey, you can choose a non-profit for the website to donate to. I chose the Endometriosis Foundation of America (your other options are Planned Parenthood, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association or Women's March).

I have taken the pledge to break the silence. I believe women need to be empowered--not ashamed--to talk about their fertility and any challenges, questions and/or decisions they make concerning it. This year, women's studies, women's rights and women's movements have become extremely prevalent and for good reason. It is time for women to be recognized and honored. Feminist is no longer a forbidden word and fertility shouldn't be either.

If any of you guys share my blogs, please use the hashtag #SaytheFword.

Erica needs a good infertility podcast.

I live on podcasts; they are what get me though my 9-hour work day. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job, truly, but I'm an auditor for an insurance company... I need something to entertain me throughout the day. I listen to a wide range of podcasts but what I'm missing is a good infertility podcast. Before we all start throwing out suggestions, let me clarify what I mean by "good." All of the infertility podcasts I've come across are either spiritual and Christian-based or self-help guides. That is not what I am looking for. I have traveled through my infertility journey and I have fully accepted a child-free lifestyle. I don't need to listen to a podcast about hope, or prayer, or how to grieve and heal. I want a podcast about moving on and living your best life despite the daily challenges of infertility. I have come across several bloggers and internet "celebrities" who write on this subject but none of them do audio.

The closest thing that I have found that meets my "good" criteria is the How Did We Get Here Podcast (https://www.howdidwegetherepodcast.com/). I was really excited about this podcast when I first stumbled upon it. It is hosted by a married couple who went through infertility treatment but it didn't work out. They now are committed to living happily ever after as a child-free couple. In my opinion, the wife, who goes by M, is not fully ready to give up her dream of motherhood. But, the husband, who goes by E, is ready to embrace their family of two. Since they are not on the same page, a lot of the conversation sounds like a polite argument where the wife is about to break down sobbing at any moment and the husband is thoroughly frustrated.

I found the first few episodes humorous, like a bad sitcom. I imagine the wife trying to speak privately to her husband about her feelings but getting nowhere with the communication. As her last attempt, she says to him, "Honey, lets produce an infertility podcast. It'll be a great way for us to bond and share our story." The husband doesn't want to do this but he reluctantly agrees because he also doesn't want to sleep alone in the guestroom. Once the podcast starts, the wife lets her feelings flow freely and forces her husband into uncomfortable situations where he has to talk about things he'd rather keep private. And the podcast continues on like this for about an hour. The final product is extremely awkward. I only made it through the first 7 or 8 episodes before I had to unsubscribe.

Although the podcast was not for me, I loudly applaud M for being so brave. I do not know many couples who will openly air their grievances to the world, especially when it comes to a topic as personal as infertility. I, too, had many troubles talking to my husband about infertility and how it affected me. I went through my depression alone. If I was as brave as M, I would have forced Wes to listen to me, talk to me and console me. On one of their first episodes, they asked the child-free community to email them stories of how they are living their lives. This is the email I sent:

Hello, E & M!
     My name is Erica and I stumbled upon your podcast a few months ago. In one of your first episodes, you asked for emails from the child-free community. So howdy, here I am... all the way form Oklahoma! I have severe endometriosis that has rendered me infertile. From the beginning, my husband and I decided not to pursue treatment. Instead, I decided to be a local maker, girl boss and sewist extraordinaire. I own RagsReborn Gifts and travel throughout the state participating in various craft shows. Please check out my Facebook page (www.facebook.com/RagsRebornGifts).
       I relate fully to the name of my small business. I was a "rag" - a discarded and worthless woman who is unable to procreate. I wasn't even a real women in many of my coworkers', peers' and complete strangers' eyes. After wallowing in my own personal pity party, I decided that was not the life I wanted to live. It is completely possible to cultivate a wonderful life without children. I've always enjoyed arts 'n crafts but I decided to take it to another level. I slowly taught myself how to sew and started selling my wares. I sew pillows, stuffed animals, tote bags and an entire arrange of home decor items from gently used clothing and old fabrics (usually donated). Not only am I giving the fabrics new life, but by doing this, I was also "reborn." So there is it -- RagsReborn!  
     I hate to tell you this but I no longer listen to your podcast. After the first few episodes, I noticed a strange disconnect between E's opinion (ready and willing to embrace a child-free marriage) and M's opinion (fiercely holding on to the dream of motherhood). I found this clash awkward and uncomfortable. With that said, I also want to congratulate you on your honesty and extreme bravery. I know we are conditioned to not speak about infertility. I openly speak about my journey when people ask about RagsReborn and I am glad to know that I am not the only one who is breaking free from the infertility stigma. I wish you many years of love, light and laughter. 
       Keep on doing what you do!
            ~Erica
                RagsReborn Gifts

I'm not sure how I veered off into self promotion and podcast critiquing but I guess that's where this blog post ended up. I sent the email several weeks ago but have not heard a response. I guess they have too much other fan mail to sift through. Anyway, back to my original request -- if you know of any infertility podcasts worth listening to, please send them my way!