National Infertility Awareness Week #flipthescript

As you might have guessed by all the infertility/child-free themed posts leading up to this one, April is dedicated to infertility awareness and this week in particular - April 23rd thru April 28th - is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association chooses a theme each year and for 2018, they settled on Flip the Script. I've heard the phrase before but I never really understood what it meant. I just thought it was another trendy business buzzword, like "disrupters" or "next level." Since I can't write about something I'm unfamiliar with, I decided to Google the definition. This is what I found-

"flip the script - reverse the usual or existing position in a situation, do something unexpected or revolutionary"

I wouldn't consider myself average but I am by no means revolutionary. I follow the rules most of the time and only speak up when I feel it is a good time to do so. What can I do to spread infertility awareness that is unexpected and reactionary? Still at a loss for how I can contribute to NIAW, I looked to RESOLVE's website for more guidance. They describe the theme below -

Anyone can be challenged to have a family. No matter what race, religion, sexuality or economic status you are, infertility doesn’t discriminate.
Because you’ll never know how badly you want something until you are told that it may not be possible.Together, we can change how others view infertility. It begins with being part of a national movement, National Infertility Awareness Week®. This week unites millions of Americans who want to remove the stigmas and barriers that stand in the way of building families.

Well, that I can do! I have been championing to normalize infertility, endometriosis and their repercussions since I first started this blog. Frankly, I don't think you need to "flip the script" in order to do so. One in every eight couples suffer with infertility. That is a lot of couples! So is it that weird to talk about it? The only way to change how others view infertility is to discuss the topic in regular conversation.  Like I mentioned earlier, I am no trouble making rabble-rouser but if someone approaches me with the topic of my family, I will openly speak about my infertility and decision to only have dogs. I understand that the conversation may be awkward and difficult at first but the more you open up, the easier it becomes. I've also noticed that the more I've talked about it, the more other people joined in. I was once getting a drink at a local cafe. There were young girls running around and laughing. The woman behind the counter told me she wished she had daughters. I replied that, yes, those girls were certainly cute ... but also a little rowdy. She asked if I had any children and I told her that I was unable to conceive so I will not be adding any children to my family. She then opened up her miscarriage. And just like that, we were two women sharing our experiences in normal conversation. I am aware that not all of my conversations go that smoothly. At the last company holiday party, a coworker told me that I would not be able to have a "real Christmas" due to my lack of children. So, you win some and you lose some but I think we are all allowed to talk about our families regardless of their size or how they came to be. If you fostered or adopted your children, please tell me about it because you are a saint and I'd love to hear about your journey. If you're struggling to conceive, let me know and we can weep together. And if you've chosen to live without children, then cheers to you and lets hang out! 

National Infertility Awareness Week 2017

Hello, all! *insert waving emoji here* It's National Infertility Awareness Week 2017!! The theme assigned for this year is LISTEN UP!. I'm not sure what direction Resolve is wanting to go with this theme but for me, I'd like to use it as a platform to dispel some common misconceptions regarding infertiles. Of course I cannot speak for all childfree women but I believe these are some universal truths that need to be told.

[Quick disclaimer: 99.92% of my friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances have children and I am NOT trying to tell you that your thinking is wrong nor am I meaning to offend anyone. I just want to share my opinion on some popular (mis)conceptions.]

Not my drawing... just saw it on the Internet and thought it was cute.

MYTH #1- Erica a "bitter infertile".
I can completely understand why the entire world would think this. Every movie, book, television show, etc. that touches on the topic of infertility paints the image of a woman who is always crying or angry or just crazy in general. If all you see is negative, I don't blame you for pegging me as a certain characteristic.
       Just as I was typing the above paragraph, I thought of two examples (without even really having to think too hard); on the television series, Once Upon A Time, Regina, the evil queen cannot have children but Snow White and Prince Charming have Emma and baby Neil. In the novel, What Alice Forgot, the infertile sister, Elizabeth, is depressed throughout over half of the book and she even attempts to kidnap a young child.

Okay, okay...some of what is shown in popular culture is true. We infertiles get sad (just like everyone else). We also occasionally get angry at our bodies for not functioning as they should. And at times, we feel a little less feminine and maybe even a little ashamed. But I can promise you that I am not evil or depressed and my life is NOT a constant longing for a baby.

• I do not lust after other women's pregnant stomachs. I do not want to bring them any harm or ill wishes. 
• I do not want to steal away other people's babies to raise as my own. 
• I am not weeping at every baby shower I attend, nor do I cry during pregnancy announcements. 
• I am not jealous of my friends and coworkers who have children. I do not "unfriend" people who post pictures of their happy families.

Another infertility character that the media shows is the woman who is "too career oriented". This woman is cold and unattached; she cannot have time for children or any meaningful personal relationship because she is married to her job. Her success in the business world has lead her to live the life of a spinster. I believe that stereotype is also incorrect. I am a small business owner. Yes, RagsReborn is very important to me but I also have friends & family. I am capable of caring and nurturing. If I were to get pregnant, I would gladly take on both raising a child and growing my small business.

So, no, I am not a bitter infertile. I am actually quite supportive of my childbearing friends; I have sewn baby shower and baby's first birthday items for each one of them. I am happy to join in conversations regarding my coworker's children. I love to hug and coo at small children just as much as the next person.

MYTH #2- Erica doesn't know what love is.
If I could get a quarter for every time I heard the phrase "I didn't know what love was until I had a child" I would be FILTHY RICH. Why do people feel the need to tell me that? I honestly do not even understand what that phrase even means. If it was true that you could not grasp the concept of love until you conceived a child, does that mean that you never felt the love of your parents as you were growing up? Did you never experience the thrill of young love as a teenager? Did you not love your husband or wife until the day they got pregnant? This is absurd.

Speaking of absurd...when I confess that I cannot have children, most people assume that I live an empty life. They picture me driving home to a dark and undecorated house where I binge watch CSI: Miami and eat canned beans for dinner. For those of you who have thought that about me, please stop worrying... I live a very fulfilled life. My apartment is lively and decorated; I have found many hobbies that bring me joy (one of which is cooking, so no gross canned beans for me!) and I have two lovely dogs and a wonderful husband. I do not need children to fill my life with love and happiness; I have found other things that bring me just as much contentment.

Another thing that people question is what will happen to me in my old age without children. They assume that I will live the last decades of my life as an old curmudgeon with no one to care for me. That is also untrue. I am actively taking care of my health now so that I am able to prosper in my old age. I am also investing for my retirement. I plan on being fully independent in my later years so I do not become a burden on anyone.

MYTH #3- Erica wants children.
Sure there was a time when I wanted to be a mother and if I had a miracle pregnancy, I would fully embrace it. But the truth is that I do not want children. (!!!) My infertility journey started out as being childfree-not-by-choice but I have come to accept and embrace my now childfree life. There are many women and couples who are choosing to not bring children into the world. More and more adults are owning pets or becoming entrepreneurs or travelling the world. Even as this is happening around us, childfree discrimination still exists. I get strange looks when I openly discuss my infertility, other women do not invite me to their social gatherings because I am not part of the "mommy club," and I am expected to endure longer hours at work because I do not have a family to get home to. Lets all take a quick minute to become more aware of this discrimination so that we may all act differently next time we meet a happily childfree woman.

So there are my two cents for this year's Infertility Awareness Week topic. Thanks for listening (reading); it means the world to me! If you want some more reading, might I suggest these blogs (and this list, too, if you really want some more reading!)-

Life Without Baby (http://lifewithoutbaby.com/blog/) is written by several different women, all of which are all insightful and honest. They have a weekly "Whiney Wednesday" post that addresses some of the issues that I just wrote about.

Waiting for Baby Bird (https://waitingforbabybird.com/) is a faith based infertility blog. As a fair warning, let me tell you that it is written with an extremely Christian perspective. I am not religious but I have read several of Elisha's posts and found hope in them. I also appreciate the rawness in her writing.

I just made my annual donation. If you are wanting to donate to a charity, might I suggest Resolve?

Infertility Awareness Week

It's Infertility Awareness Week again! Resolve has a great Infertilty Awareness Week line up. Although I would love to participate in the conferences, support groups and 5k walks, none of those events are happening in Oklahoma. (sad face) But, I have read all the articles and watched the videos. To do my part in spreading advocacy, I will once again write about my infertility journey.

The theme for this year's awareness week is to start the discussion. Infertility remains such a taboo topic. There are tons of women out there who feel embarrassed and ashamed when they're asked when they'll finally start a family and have kids. But why? Infertility affects at least one in eight women of childbearing age. It's a normal thing.
       I, for one, am not ashamed. If you're unlucky enough to ask me when I plan on having kids, I won't dance around the topic. I will tell you that I have severe endometriosis and it has damaged my reproductive organs so I am now infertile. You will either 1. feel horribly uncomfortable and walk away or 2. continue talking to me ...
      We can talk about how you read in a magazine that Chrissy Teigen had an IVF.
      We can talk about your friend or cousin or coworker who also struggled with getting pregnant.
      I can explain what endometriosis is and you can say that you read Lena Dunham's tweets.
      You can empathize.
      You can learn.
      You can realize that infertility is a real thing and now you know someone who has this issue with their health.
      It's no longer a foreign & strange disease.  

I want this on a t-shirt but I can't find it online or on Etsy. Anyone know a screen printer who can put this on a shirt for me?

Besides just blogging about infertility and endometriosis, I want to actually do something for Infertility Awareness Week this year.
       I have a craft show this weekend. I will be at The Handmade Show at The Crown Center on Saturday April 30th. I need to sell ten pillows per show in order to make back my costs and labor. Any more pillows that I sell, it's just profit. At my show this weekend, I will double any profit and donate an equal amount to Resolve and The Endometriosis Foundation. So, hypothetically, if I sell fifteen pillows, I get $50 profit... I will donate $50 to Resolve and $50 to The Endometriosis Foundation. Please, please, please come out to The Crown Center to support not only RagsReborn but also help me donate some money to a good cause.

Did you know that March was Endometriosis Awareness Month? Nah, probably not. Don't feel bad because I didn't either, and I have the damn disease! Padma Lakshmi, created the Endometriosis Foundation of America (http://www.endofound.org/).

I have suffered with endometriosis since my first period back in high school. Everyone who is diagnosed experiences it differently, but for me, endometriosis causes debilitating pain during my menstrual cycle. My flow is also extremely heavy and longer than the 3-5 days average. Gross, I know. Here's a pretty good article about the disease: http://www.refinery29.com/endometriosis-symptoms-surgery-period-pain. Luckily for me, both my primary care physician and OB-GYN recognized the symptoms and I wasn't treated like the poor woman who authored the article.

So, "what is this odd disease?" you ask. Tissue that is supposed to grow within the uterus grows outside of it and pretty much anywhere else it feels like growing. I have growth all along my Fallopian tubes (which are completely damaged and that is the primary reason why I cannot get pregnant) and my left ovary is literally covered in the stuff. I've had surgery to remove some of the tissue but there is no cure. It will continue to grow and grow. The only thing I can do is to just manage the pain. Don't tell anyone but I am probably addicted to Motrin and Naproxen.

It's taken me thirty years, but I've finally "found myself." If I had to make a family crest, here it is:

I am a PROUD rescue pet parent.

I have endometriosis and am UNASHAMED.

I am a HARDWORKING small business owner.

My three passions in life are pet rescue & adoption, infertility & endometriosis awareness and acceptance and RagsReborn Gifts.

Thanks so much for reading this blog. Thank you for listening to me rant about a health issue that is often overlooked. And, please, please, please come out to The Crown Center to support not only RagsReborn but also help me donate some money to a good cause.

Erica is a little late posting this but... National Infertility Awareness Week was April 19-25

I have three loves: 

        RagsReborn, infertility awareness & acceptance and pet rescue/adoption. I'm sure by now you're sick and tired of RagsReborn and craft show stuff.  I've already talked about my dogs quite a bit so now its time for infertility awareness.

Watch out because shit is about to get heavy.  No fun little crafts or recipes this week. I'm actually going to do my first personal blog post.

National Infertility Awareness week was about a month ago. I have great reverence and respect for women and couples who have to suffer with infertility. I think its pretty rude that one of the most common questions to ask a couple is if they have kids and if not, when they plan to have kids. Infertility is real. (#thestruggleisreal) Society has made it the norm to have gaggles of children and for women who cannot, there is a huge sense of shame and embarrassment. How many people do you know talk openly about infertility? Zero, I bet. I read some statistic that women who have infertility issues get just as depressed as patients who have been diagnosed with cancer. And the suicide rates for infertiles is pretty wild.

Luckily, there is help. The rates of infertility are so high, that organizations and support groups have sprung up. There is an organization named Resolve that does a pretty great job setting up events, online discussions and PodCasts for National Infertility Awareness Week. The whole shebang. None of the events are in Oklahoma, though. : (  I read a bunch of the articles and discussion forums. I meant to post this blog as my contribution but that was the same week that my laptop died and then Indie Trunk Show completely took over my life. There is a 5k in Texas that I plan to participate in next year. I'll probably do some other stuff, too.

I am part of the one in six or one in eight or one in ten (depending on what statistics you prefer to believe) women who cannot get pregnant naturally. Yup, Erica suffers from infertility. It is actually more of a medical health concern rather than a reproductive concern in my case. My uterus is tilted unbelievably backwards (and it could be folded in half, the jury's still out on that) and I have several cysts on my ovaries. They're mostly on my left one. I am monitored by my ob/gyn and I have to take close care of myself. I have to get regular trans-vaginal ultrasounds and its probably one of the worst things in the world. Luckily, none of my cysts are cancerous.

This was never a known problem (aka medical diagnosis) up until about a year ago. Pain in that area of my body has always been an issue but I just assumed it was part of life. I didn't really start my mensies until my late late teens and its sort of been problematic ever since. Sometimes, I'm regular on my menstrual cycle and sometimes, I'm not. Sometimes, I just spot for days on end for no damn reason. Over the years, my periods started getting heavier and more painful. Believe it or not, I have literally blacked out from the pain. (O_o) I have cramps like you would not believe and I have persistent abdominal pain throughout the entire month. But, I thought this was all part of being a woman and I never wanted to have children when I was younger-- I was too ambitious and too adventurous. But for a brief and fleeting moment last year, Wes and I decided that maybe we might. So we did the dance with no pants ... and no precautionary measures. But time and time again, Aunt Flo paid me a visit and reminded me that I failed. It gets pretty upsetting and you end up finding yourself in a very dark place. When that shit happens, you have to "look on the bright side"... so, here goes...if I never tried to get pregnant, then I would have never gone to my ob/gyn to get diagnosed. It was with my infertility diagnosis that I discovered that I have other issues with my reproductive system and now I'm getting answers and hopefully pain relief.

I believe it was extra difficult for me because I'm in a pretty unique position. All other couples I've met and read about go through their infertility journey together. They cry together and they talk together. They understand each other because they're both in the same boat. Well, not me. I suffer alone. Wes has experienced pregnancy and child rearing before. He and his high school sweetheart went through that. I have to live the rest of my life knowing that my husband had something magical with another woman and he cannot have that with me. Ever. Knowing that you're in that position gives you a sense of sadness, anger and jealously that I don't even want to begin to talk about.

So, I started my journey and went through the five stages of grief. I read about and researched infertility; I read medical articles, forums, two actual hard cover books and numerous blogs. Oh boy, did I read blogs (a REALLY good one is Life Without Baby)!! Some were uplifitng & positive and some were written by women just as crazy and depressed as I was. We changed our diets and I went to a handful of infertility support group meetings. I even talked to two separate people I know that went through adoption. I got a lot of insight and understanding into the world of infertility. I completely respect all the couples that go through the treatment but in the end, I decided that a child is not what life has planned for me. I know I will not be giving birth naturally and it will be pretty impossible to accomplish an international adoption.  My only option is fertility treatments and I don't believe in using science to make a child. The odds aren't too great and the infertility clinics prey on your emotions and deep longing to give birth.

Now, here I am. I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay but I have come to acceptance. I had to read "Good to Great" in one of my college business classes. I didn't really like the book but what I remember is a chapter on knowing when to move on and pursue other dreams. You may want to accomplish something with every fiber of your being, but in the end, if you can't do it, you just can't do it. Not everyone is going to get drafted into the NBA or be the next Steve Jobs. It sounds terrible but you have to know when to quit and start something else. Realign your goals and find new passions. My new baby is RagsReborn. It's as much a child as any real child a woman can have. I have to work at it and spend countless hours with it in order for it to grow properly. I certainly brag about it and am proud of all its accomplishments. Wes finished all his child rearing at an astonishingly young age so we have the rest of our lives to travel and be happily married. On days that I get especially moody and suicidal, I remind myself that although he experienced the gift of life with another wonderful woman, he chose ME to marry. We will have many joyous experiences and while nothing we have can measure up to spawning an heir, we still have each other and the rest of our lives to live together.

For all those who are reading this and find yourself in a similar situation as I am in, I leave you with two things:

One is an amazingly written book. "Waiting for Daisy" details the journey that Peggy Orenstein and her husband went through. It brought me to both tears of sadness and fits of giggles. I read it in two days and would say it's one of my favorite books. I really want to own it. (*hint, hint for those of you who want to buy me stuff*)

The second thing is this silly little article. http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/10-people-you-hate-when-youre-trying-to-get-pregnant/  I'm not bitter or angry at women with children. I actually have two close friends who are pregnant right now. But sometimes you just gotta laugh at the hell that life has dealt you. After that, you can get through it in your own way and start charting a new life for yourself; universe be damned!