Musings from the recliner...

This isn't meant to be a bitter or angry blog post... I am married and know tons of married and pregnant friends...I just saw this and had to laugh. 

I am home bound for the next couple of days and the couch has become my new favorite piece of furniture. Sounds relaxing (and it was at first) but I've already been cooped up at home for 3 days recovering from my womanly surgery. I am ready to be in any other position besides sitting and laying down. But alas, I cannot move about until Wednesday...doctor's orders.
       In the meantime, I have...
 1. learned how to play Grand Theft Auto V (which I am not good at);
    2. made jewelry--blog post on that to come soon;
 3. mastered the phone game "Cookie Run";
      4. written to old friends (but I can't mail any of the letters I wrote since I can't physically make the journey to the post office);
 5. finished my book for book club;
      6. and taken way too many pictures of Sadie.

Sadie is giving me healing cuddles.

Today, I decided that I should do something useful, so now I am blogging. But what to blog about? Being stuck at home makes one (or at least, me) depressed. I don't want to blog about my depressing shit so I started thinking about my friends and family and their hobbies and added the two up to discover how many future movers and shakers I know (and am related to).

But before I get to that, I guess I can talk about my surgery for a bit. Everyone loved my infertility blog post so here's a "part 2" follow up.
        (P.S. I find it a tad bit amusing that no one gives a flying flip about my DIY crafts, recipes or RagsReborn posts but as soon as I share something personal and painful, I'm an instant sensation. Crazy how the world works, huh?) 
Anyway, a  couple of weeks ago, my OB/GYN decided that it was time to remove the cysts from my left ovary because they are getting too big. (x_x) So this past Friday morning, Wes and I went to surgery. I was completely knocked out but my doctor told Wes the results:

• My OB/GYN said that she didn't have to remove the cysts after all (which is so weird to me because that was the main reason why I went in... we'll need to talk about that during my post-op appointment...) They weren't as big or bad as she initially thought. 
• Instead she removed some bad endometriosis lesions. I've always suspected mild to severe endometriosis and the diagnostic laproscopy confirmed my hunches. 
• She also said she understands why I am always complaining about painful periods (so yeah, it's not just me being a wimp!!!) and I am pretty much 100% infertile.  C'mon, like, duh, what else is new? 
• Anyway, she wants me to either get on birth control or get a shot that mimics menopause. Pretty much my body needs to stop my reproductive system from performing its functions because it's all out of whack. I've been on birth control briefly many many moons ago and I absolutely hated it. I pretty much experienced every side effect and it was bad. Not sure which I should choose. I could choose neither and continue on with super painful cramps and abdominal discomfort; I've lived with that for this long, suppose I don't need to change anything now. Hmmm...decisions, decisions...I guess I have a few weeks to think about it...

So there's that. : /  I have been told that I cannot perform the most basic of female functions... I cannot reproduce. That's the essential reason why both males and females were put on this earth, right? To procreate. And now, I literally 100% medically proven cannot.  That is some heavy news I've just been dealt.
       Luckily, Wes fell in love young and had a child earlier in life. At least his genes will live on. As for me and my family tree, well, its DEAD. I have no siblings. I will never be an aunt, my mom will never be a grandmother and I will never be a mother. It sucks. But what do you do? Wes doesn't want to adopt and we're both against scientific intervention in the baby making department. So we accept this blow and move on.

Back to non-depressing blog topics...
       I studied business in college and always wanted to start one of my own. I started RagsReborn last year (admittedly a little late in life but I've always been a late bloomer). My business venture is coming along rather nicely. I can talk about it all day but I want to talk about some other people who are working toward self-made fame. I know so many:
        my cousin, Jan, is the future of the kuk sool won school of martial arts; 
      another cousin of mine, young lil cutie Michelle, is going to win So You Think You Can Dance as soon as she turns 18;
      one of my besties, Michelle (must be a popular name), is going to get famous from making jewelry. And I own one of her first pieces.

Instead of listing out everyone I know, I settled on a top three list.

EMMA-
aka LittleBennet.  My cousin's wife, Emma, is an award nominated blogger. Her blog http://littlebennet.com/ is a wonderful read. She travels, has DIY projects, fashion advice and amazing photography.  Basically, it's what I want my blog to become when it grows up. LOL

My favorites of her posts are the ones about travel. (I love to travel and don't do enough of it.) Another one of my cousins, Winnie, got married in Norway this past spring. Emma and her husband, Kent, took an amazing trip all over Europe. They hit 7 cities in about a month. They did everything from hiking in Iceland to afternoon tea in London. I followed her blog & Instagram religiously and became more and more envious of her pictures, especially the ones about food.

LACEY-
I've known this lady for decades (yes, I can say decades--plural--because I met her in junior high school and we're both 30 now!). Lacey has always been artsy and creative. Now she makes soap. I'm trying to convince her to jump into the world of Etsy and craft shows with me.

Here's her men's line that she made for Wes last Christmas. The mustache soap is for shaving.

She started out by making her own scents and color to add to pre-made soap. She made this apricot scent that smells sooooo good! I got so many samples but I used them all before I thought to take any pictures. They're really pretty--she used pastels and glitter and formed some really neat patterns. There was a swirly purple & white one and a pink, yellow and white plaid one that were my two favorites. Oh, she also has this gardenia scent that also smells really good.

She's branched out to making lip balm and bath bombs, too. Her newest venture is curing her own soap...like from scratch using lye and stuff. She is on vacation now, but says she has a batch at home that will be ready for me when she returns. 

TREVOR-

aka lightningshinobi.  My cousin Trevor draws & writes manga. I'm not too into the anime culture so I can't be a fair judge (and I'm biased toward his work) but what I've seen of his stuff is pretty good. He started with one boy character a few years ago and has really developed him and given him a good story arc and some interesting compadres. I visit Trevor annually and he is always happy to show me his newest drawings. He's come a long way in the few years he's been doing it. Here's is DeviantArt account: http://lightningshinobi.deviantart.com/

I know this blog is kinda all over the place but 1. I just had surgery two days ago and I'm still letting the results sink in...its a lot to fully comprehend and accept; 2. Sadie is distracting me with her cuddly cuteness and 3. I'm watching Wes play Grand Theft Auto V. I started blogging with this grand idea of highlighting all the future small business owners and entertainers I know and I don't think I organized it very well. It was mostly just a ploy to get myself to be not so depressed. Anyway, its time for lunch and then another nap...

Erica is a little late posting this but... National Infertility Awareness Week was April 19-25

I have three loves: 

        RagsReborn, infertility awareness & acceptance and pet rescue/adoption. I'm sure by now you're sick and tired of RagsReborn and craft show stuff.  I've already talked about my dogs quite a bit so now its time for infertility awareness.

Watch out because shit is about to get heavy.  No fun little crafts or recipes this week. I'm actually going to do my first personal blog post.

National Infertility Awareness week was about a month ago. I have great reverence and respect for women and couples who have to suffer with infertility. I think its pretty rude that one of the most common questions to ask a couple is if they have kids and if not, when they plan to have kids. Infertility is real. (#thestruggleisreal) Society has made it the norm to have gaggles of children and for women who cannot, there is a huge sense of shame and embarrassment. How many people do you know talk openly about infertility? Zero, I bet. I read some statistic that women who have infertility issues get just as depressed as patients who have been diagnosed with cancer. And the suicide rates for infertiles is pretty wild.

Luckily, there is help. The rates of infertility are so high, that organizations and support groups have sprung up. There is an organization named Resolve that does a pretty great job setting up events, online discussions and PodCasts for National Infertility Awareness Week. The whole shebang. None of the events are in Oklahoma, though. : (  I read a bunch of the articles and discussion forums. I meant to post this blog as my contribution but that was the same week that my laptop died and then Indie Trunk Show completely took over my life. There is a 5k in Texas that I plan to participate in next year. I'll probably do some other stuff, too.

I am part of the one in six or one in eight or one in ten (depending on what statistics you prefer to believe) women who cannot get pregnant naturally. Yup, Erica suffers from infertility. It is actually more of a medical health concern rather than a reproductive concern in my case. My uterus is tilted unbelievably backwards (and it could be folded in half, the jury's still out on that) and I have several cysts on my ovaries. They're mostly on my left one. I am monitored by my ob/gyn and I have to take close care of myself. I have to get regular trans-vaginal ultrasounds and its probably one of the worst things in the world. Luckily, none of my cysts are cancerous.

This was never a known problem (aka medical diagnosis) up until about a year ago. Pain in that area of my body has always been an issue but I just assumed it was part of life. I didn't really start my mensies until my late late teens and its sort of been problematic ever since. Sometimes, I'm regular on my menstrual cycle and sometimes, I'm not. Sometimes, I just spot for days on end for no damn reason. Over the years, my periods started getting heavier and more painful. Believe it or not, I have literally blacked out from the pain. (O_o) I have cramps like you would not believe and I have persistent abdominal pain throughout the entire month. But, I thought this was all part of being a woman and I never wanted to have children when I was younger-- I was too ambitious and too adventurous. But for a brief and fleeting moment last year, Wes and I decided that maybe we might. So we did the dance with no pants ... and no precautionary measures. But time and time again, Aunt Flo paid me a visit and reminded me that I failed. It gets pretty upsetting and you end up finding yourself in a very dark place. When that shit happens, you have to "look on the bright side"... so, here goes...if I never tried to get pregnant, then I would have never gone to my ob/gyn to get diagnosed. It was with my infertility diagnosis that I discovered that I have other issues with my reproductive system and now I'm getting answers and hopefully pain relief.

I believe it was extra difficult for me because I'm in a pretty unique position. All other couples I've met and read about go through their infertility journey together. They cry together and they talk together. They understand each other because they're both in the same boat. Well, not me. I suffer alone. Wes has experienced pregnancy and child rearing before. He and his high school sweetheart went through that. I have to live the rest of my life knowing that my husband had something magical with another woman and he cannot have that with me. Ever. Knowing that you're in that position gives you a sense of sadness, anger and jealously that I don't even want to begin to talk about.

So, I started my journey and went through the five stages of grief. I read about and researched infertility; I read medical articles, forums, two actual hard cover books and numerous blogs. Oh boy, did I read blogs (a REALLY good one is Life Without Baby)!! Some were uplifitng & positive and some were written by women just as crazy and depressed as I was. We changed our diets and I went to a handful of infertility support group meetings. I even talked to two separate people I know that went through adoption. I got a lot of insight and understanding into the world of infertility. I completely respect all the couples that go through the treatment but in the end, I decided that a child is not what life has planned for me. I know I will not be giving birth naturally and it will be pretty impossible to accomplish an international adoption.  My only option is fertility treatments and I don't believe in using science to make a child. The odds aren't too great and the infertility clinics prey on your emotions and deep longing to give birth.

Now, here I am. I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay but I have come to acceptance. I had to read "Good to Great" in one of my college business classes. I didn't really like the book but what I remember is a chapter on knowing when to move on and pursue other dreams. You may want to accomplish something with every fiber of your being, but in the end, if you can't do it, you just can't do it. Not everyone is going to get drafted into the NBA or be the next Steve Jobs. It sounds terrible but you have to know when to quit and start something else. Realign your goals and find new passions. My new baby is RagsReborn. It's as much a child as any real child a woman can have. I have to work at it and spend countless hours with it in order for it to grow properly. I certainly brag about it and am proud of all its accomplishments. Wes finished all his child rearing at an astonishingly young age so we have the rest of our lives to travel and be happily married. On days that I get especially moody and suicidal, I remind myself that although he experienced the gift of life with another wonderful woman, he chose ME to marry. We will have many joyous experiences and while nothing we have can measure up to spawning an heir, we still have each other and the rest of our lives to live together.

For all those who are reading this and find yourself in a similar situation as I am in, I leave you with two things:

One is an amazingly written book. "Waiting for Daisy" details the journey that Peggy Orenstein and her husband went through. It brought me to both tears of sadness and fits of giggles. I read it in two days and would say it's one of my favorite books. I really want to own it. (*hint, hint for those of you who want to buy me stuff*)

The second thing is this silly little article. http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/10-people-you-hate-when-youre-trying-to-get-pregnant/  I'm not bitter or angry at women with children. I actually have two close friends who are pregnant right now. But sometimes you just gotta laugh at the hell that life has dealt you. After that, you can get through it in your own way and start charting a new life for yourself; universe be damned!