As crazy as it sounds, being both infertile and child-free is a weird situation to find oneself in. I don't quite fit in with other women who struggle to conceive because they devote a majority of their lives to becoming mothers, either through treatment, fostering, adoption, surrogacy or any other means possible. And, I also don't quite fit in with most child-free women because they chose that path for their lives. They decided ... as for me, my body made that decision for me. I am unable to bear children, however, I never took scientific measures to try. That makes me an oddity. I chose not to "try" because, in my opinion, the realm of infertility services is just a huge marketing scheme that preys on women's hopes and fears with little results. You'd be amazed to find out the statistics of outcomes from IVF, and adoption is a very very difficult process. Aside from not wanting to be mislead by not-so-honest marketing, I think it is rather empowering to be able to choose not to pursue infertility treatment and live a child-free life. I think that decision identifies well with the "independent woman" characteristic I try to embody.
I read somewhere that "there is a massive negative premise that suggests that women who do not reproduce are selfish, do not like children or are not real women. Females who do not procreate are too often misrepresented by negative terms: spinster, wicked stepmother, crazy cat lady." (I wrote down that quote on a Post-It note but I forgot to document the article it came from. I apologize for the plagiarism.) I must say that females who are not mothers ARE NOT SELFISH!!! We need to debunk the stereotype that child-free women are selfish right now. The only fact found in that stereotype is that I deprived my mother of grandchildren. But I can also argue that by being an only child, my mother deprived me of siblings. I would never say that about my mom so there is no reason for the world to place that judgement upon me.
Speaking of my mom, here's a picture of us.
Other reasons why I do not believe that my decision is selfish -
1. I happily pay all taxes related to education for future generations and support teachers and other educational staff. My mother was an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher for several years and I truly believe in their work.
2. I offer baby-sitting services to all of my friends who have children. I am aware that being able to go on dates with my husband is a leisure that a lot of my friends don't have and I am happy to help.
3. If and when the Apocalypse comes, I will gladly give up my seat in the bunker to a mother or child because I am fully aware that their functioning reproductive system is more useful than my broken one.
Two more statements to refute - women who do not reproduce do not like children. I cannot speak for all women, but for me that is not the case. I dote on all of my friends' children; when shopping for Christmas gifts, I am sure to buy theirs first. Just because I do not want a child of my own to have around 100% of the time does not mean I do not like children at all. And lastly... women who do not reproduce are barren curmudgeons who live lonely lives. Again, I cannot speak for everyone, but as for me, I live a content and satisfying life. I am married with dogs and friends and hobbies - including yoga, sewing guild and book club- that keep me busy and happy. Many will argue that my life isn't very "rewarding" or "loving" without children, but I find owning a small business to be very rewarding and the love I receive from my family and friends is plenty enough for me.
My amazing family - Mike, mom, Sadie, Athena and Wes <3
I usually do not comment, but tonight I’m feeling adventurous and am going to put my 2 cents in. I’d like to start off by saying I’ve known you your whole life and love you to pieces. I think you are a brave soul overcoming many obstacles in your life and starting your own business. I wish we could get together more often so we can get to know Wes better, but from what I do know, he is a caring person who I believe is truely your better half. I am not a psychiatrist or any type of professional, but I am speaking from my own experiences and beliefs. As you know, I’ve had several miscarriages myself and we did not have our first child until my husband and I were married for 8 years. My husband is African American and I am Chinese. We have lived through our share of stares, stereotyping and judgements. Having said that, I think your friend is correct. Several times in your posts you mentioned that you “did not have a choice, your body made the decision for you.” Then go and contradict yourself and say you decided to be childless. Everybody has choices and people make choices every day. Yes, life threw you a curve ball, but you made the choice to be childless. I know what it’s like to want something really badly and your own body betrays you, But if you really want children, no matter how difficult IVF or adoption is, I know you would go after it with everything you’ve got like with everything you’ve tackled in life. So I do think you are questioning your decision.
ReplyDeleteI have never known you to care much about what other people think or say. You’ve always done and say what you wanted. This is why I have to wonder why you care so much about what you’ve read or the judgements of strangers. Usually people make a point to tell others they are content and happy with their lives because they are trying to convince themselves. I wish with all my heart you are happy, and I hope you think long and hard about your decision as there are a lot of kids out there in the foster care system who need good homes and I know if you want to be, you’d be an amazing mother. Sometimes it’s difficult to make that decision when your partner doesn’t want the same thing you do, but you have to make it for yourself and then live with it and move on. I feel like in a lot of ways, you are stuck right now. Anyway, that’s my 2 cents.
I think you are brave to always put your ideals out for the world to see. I get choosing and not having a choice more than most. It is hard to wonder if you are missing something when you feel surrounded by happy families. There is no hard fast rule on making decisions by x time. We are Only 30! You know in elementary I decided I wouldn’t have biological kids. It Sucks! feeling you are the only person being responsible. But you aren’t alone and that’s why the rest of us appreciate knowing you aren’t 100% sure. That you do have moments where you begin weighing your options. I do. And I can say the heardest thing to ever hear is that you are not wanted bc of your body. But the world changes. Don’t force yourself into a corner just bc people want a simple answer. As the kids say, Adulting is Hard!
ReplyDeleteI think you are making a great life for you, your partner, & your pups. It’s a stupid saying but seriously just take it a day at a time.