Hello, all! *insert waving emoji here* It's National Infertility Awareness Week 2017!! The theme assigned for this year is LISTEN UP!. I'm not sure what direction Resolve is wanting to go with this theme but for me, I'd like to use it as a platform to dispel some common misconceptions regarding infertiles. Of course I cannot speak for all childfree women but I believe these are some universal truths that need to be told.
[Quick disclaimer: 99.92% of my friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances have children and I am NOT trying to tell you that your thinking is wrong nor am I meaning to offend anyone. I just want to share my opinion on some popular (mis)conceptions.]
Not my drawing... just saw it on the Internet and thought it was cute.
I can completely understand why the entire world would think this. Every movie, book, television show, etc. that touches on the topic of infertility paints the image of a woman who is always crying or angry or just crazy in general. If all you see is negative, I don't blame you for pegging me as a certain characteristic.
Just as I was typing the above paragraph, I thought of two examples (without even really having to think too hard); on the television series, Once Upon A Time, Regina, the evil queen cannot have children but Snow White and Prince Charming have Emma and baby Neil. In the novel, What Alice Forgot, the infertile sister, Elizabeth, is depressed throughout over half of the book and she even attempts to kidnap a young child.
Okay, okay...some of what is shown in popular culture is true. We infertiles get sad (just like everyone else). We also occasionally get angry at our bodies for not functioning as they should. And at times, we feel a little less feminine and maybe even a little ashamed. But I can promise you that I am not evil or depressed and my life is NOT a constant longing for a baby.
- I do not lust after other women's pregnant stomachs. I do not want to bring them any harm or ill wishes.
- I do not want to steal away other people's babies to raise as my own.
- I am not weeping at every baby shower I attend, nor do I cry during pregnancy announcements.
- I am not jealous of my friends and coworkers who have children. I do not "unfriend" people who post pictures of their happy families.
Another infertility character that the media shows is the woman who is "too career oriented". This woman is cold and unattached; she cannot have time for children or any meaningful personal relationship because she is married to her job. Her success in the business world has lead her to live the life of a spinster. I believe that stereotype is also incorrect. I am a small business owner. Yes, RagsReborn is very important to me but I also have friends & family. I am capable of caring and nurturing. If I were to get pregnant, I would gladly take on both raising a child and growing my small business.
So, no, I am not a bitter infertile. I am actually quite supportive of my childbearing friends; I have sewn baby shower and baby's first birthday items for each one of them. I am happy to join in conversations regarding my coworker's children. I love to hug and coo at small children just as much as the next person.
MYTH #2- Erica doesn't know what love is.
If I could get a quarter for every time I heard the phrase "I didn't know what love was until I had a child" I would be FILTHY RICH. Why do people feel the need to tell me that? I honestly do not even understand what that phrase even means. If it was true that you could not grasp the concept of love until you conceived a child, does that mean that you never felt the love of your parents as you were growing up? Did you never experience the thrill of young love as a teenager? Did you not love your husband or wife until the day they got pregnant? This is absurd.
Speaking of absurd...when I confess that I cannot have children, most people assume that I live an empty life. They picture me driving home to a dark and undecorated house where I binge watch CSI: Miami and eat canned beans for dinner. For those of you who have thought that about me, please stop worrying... I live a very fulfilled life. My apartment is lively and decorated; I have found many hobbies that bring me joy (one of which is cooking, so no gross canned beans for me!) and I have two lovely dogs and a wonderful husband. I do not need children to fill my life with love and happiness; I have found other things that bring me just as much contentment.
Another thing that people question is what will happen to me in my old age without children. They assume that I will live the last decades of my life as an old curmudgeon with no one to care for me. That is also untrue. I am actively taking care of my health now so that I am able to prosper in my old age. I am also investing for my retirement. I plan on being fully independent in my later years so I do not become a burden on anyone.
MYTH #3- Erica wants children.
Sure there was a time when I wanted to be a mother and if I had a miracle pregnancy, I would fully embrace it. But the truth is that I do not want children. (!!!) My infertility journey started out as being childfree-not-by-choice but I have come to accept and embrace my now childfree life. There are many women and couples who are choosing to not bring children into the world. More and more adults are owning pets or becoming entrepreneurs or travelling the world. Even as this is happening around us, childfree discrimination still exists. I get strange looks when I openly discuss my infertility, other women do not invite me to their social gatherings because I am not part of the "mommy club," and I am expected to endure longer hours at work because I do not have a family to get home to. Lets all take a quick minute to become more aware of this discrimination so that we may all act differently next time we meet a happily childfree woman.
So there are my two cents for this year's Infertility Awareness Week topic. Thanks for listening (reading); it means the world to me! If you want some more reading, might I suggest these blogs (and this list, too, if you really want some more reading!)-
Life Without Baby (http://lifewithoutbaby.com/blog/) is written by several different women, all of which are all insightful and honest. They have a weekly "Whiney Wednesday" post that addresses some of the issues that I just wrote about.
Waiting for Baby Bird (https://waitingforbabybird.com/) is a faith based infertility blog. As a fair warning, let me tell you that it is written with an extremely Christian perspective. I am not religious but I have read several of Elisha's posts and found hope in them. I also appreciate the rawness in her writing.
I just made my annual donation. If you are wanting to donate to a charity, might I suggest Resolve?
I have never pictured you eating cans of beans until now. It is disturbing. Also, cool that I am in your .08% childless friend category. Yay! We can still be cool together even as we age. I have only recently heard the discussion of "who will take care of you in your old age". It seems so strange to me bc ppl I know have family members in care facilities not living at home with them. I absolutely agree the media's portrayal of childless women is insulting and that not having kids to go home to does make you a target for workplace discrimination. And it is discriminatory! Others are making the assumption that your time away from work is "free time". Blah! Sorry I am now ranting. Thank you for sharing bc it is hard to discuss the negative effects of not having kids at our age. But life happens, you suck it up and learn to make it work. I have always admired that about you.
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